I’m a liar

Have you ever wondered about the lies you tell yourself? Can we tell ourselves lies for so long that they become truths? Sometimes we desire an outcome so badly that we make it a truth just to fit this narrative. Or maybe we doubt ourselves so much that a lie becomes a reality.

What are my truths? What are my lies? Why do I feel the need to make a lie out of my truth?

I began saying positive affirmations when I was going through breast cancer.

I am happy.

I am positive.

I am worthy.

I am caring.

I am strong.

I am trusting.

I am fierce.

I am able.

I believe them. I know they are true.

I am beautiful.

I am capable.

I am talented.

I am calm.

I am assertive.

I am whole.

I am focused.

I am loved.

I want to believe them. Some days I do, some days I need reassurance.

My truths and my lies:

I am a positive person. Is this a truth or a lie? This is a truth. I am positive. I see the best in life. This can also be one of my lies. I desperately need to see the positive so much so that I often paint negatives to make them positive.

I am a happy person. That is a truth. I have down days like everyone but I don’t like people to see that part of me. I need to be seen by the outside world as happy all the time. Why? So I will be liked and accepted. If I admit I am not happy all the time – who will like or love me? The rational woman within me knows that people love me for who I am – I took to heart the admonition as a little girl that I should always keep a smile on my face

I am caring. I care about the people around me. Truly care. I love and care for my family. This is a truth.

I had cancer and handled it with strength and a positive attitude. This is a truth. The part of my breast cancer story that is a big, fat, lie is telling people that it was not a big deal; telling people that I was lucky to have only had breast cancer and not some other horrible disease.

Having breast cancer ripped me apart.

Having breast cancer devastated me.

Having breast cancer scared the shit out of me.

I maintained my perky attitude about my diagnosis because I didn’t want to face the reality of cancer. The truth in my cancer journey is that I am now a stronger and more confident person because of cancer.

I am a coward. This was a truth before I had cancer. I do not like confrontation and will avoid it at almost any cost. I avoided to the point of making myself sick. I don’t know why I got breast cancer but I do know that the stress in my marriage during that time did not help my health.

I was a good and trusting wife. This is a truth and a lie. I was an encouraging, and supportive wife. I supported my military husband through all our moves, the deployments, the new jobs, all the required activities and the new locations where we were stationed. I kept a clean, organized and attractive home. I entertained. The lie came when I no longer loved him, when he emotionally abandoned me – I could not trust my ex-husband.

I am able to be focused with my thoughts. You would think this is a truth since I am a yogi. It is very difficult for me to be still. I used to believe it was because I was an active person. When I am still I have time to think and center. Being still is when I am the most creative but it is also when I have time to think about challenges. I have stayed in motion to keep from doing this… see “coward” above. I feel safe and loved now so it is much easier to be silent. I am working hard on being still.

I am beautiful. That is always a hard affirmation for me to say. Does it make me conceited to say I am beautiful? I suppose it would if I believed my outer looks defined who I am. I believe I am beautiful because I see beauty in others.

I am loved. This is so very true. There are so many people that love and care about me. The lie in this is the fact that I did not love myself for a very long time.

It has been a journey to get to a place where I love me.

I love the woman I am now.

That is a truth.

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Route 5

Today as I was editing, revising and creating pieces of my cancer story I looked back a few poems I wrote a couple of years ago. Often I write to just get my story out. When I write for me –  I write poetry.

Here are a couple of poems I wrote during my divorce that made me smile today.  Smiles, Cat

Route 5

She woke up

Got dressed

Walked out the door and no one noticed…

Well, that’s not really true.

Maybe I should have said:

She woke up

Went to the bathroom

Fixed a cup of coffee

Washed her face

Made up her bed

Put on makeup

Made another cup of coffee

Tried on clothes till she found something that fit

Fixed school lunch for her son

Prayed with her sister on the phone

Checked email

Checked Facebook

Tried to write

Let the dog out

Made another cup of coffee

Stopped

Went to the window

E   x      h       a     l      e      d

Exhaled all the stresses and worries

She didn’t want them back

so she didn’t inhale

for

a

long time

She had to >inhale<

eventually

When she did inhale

she inhaled questions

Why?

Why is this how her life is now?

Why isn’t anything easy?

Why can’t she just leave?

For a short time

not forever

leave

She has a book on her coffee table called, “The Most Scenic Drives in America”.

She picked up the book

Opened it to anywhere…

Washington State

Olympia, WA

Route 5

She gets in her car

She drives

To Walmart

Do you exist?

I woke up this morning and felt you thinking about me.

I felt your arms around me.

I felt you kiss my neck.

I woke up this morning and felt you with me.

Did you wake me up? Or did I wake you?

Who are you?

You are not here but I can feel you in my being.

Were you made for me, like I was made for you?

Do you exist or have I just imagined you.

Have I just wanted you to “be” so much that I have created you in my mind?

Are you a fairy tale?

I have searched for you all my life.

I have needed you even when I didn’t know I needed you.

I needed you when I was searching for who I was after my parents divorced.

You could have been the one I leaned on, as my known world was destroyed.

I needed you when I was surrounded by people… but felt alone.

You could have been the person that made me feel accepted.

I needed you when I had breast cancer.

You could have been my support, you could have given me hope, you could have given me love, and you could have told me I would be ok….

You could have dried my tears and held me close.

You could have been my strength when mine was all used up.

Do you exist?

Am I creating you in my heart?

I have wanted you for a long time.

I have wanted you to hear what I have to say.

I have wanted you to warm me when I am cold.

I have wanted you to know who I am, who I really am.

I have wanted you to share my dreams with.

I have wanted you to be mine.

Could you possibly exist?

Could you be searching for me too?

Could you be loving me and not know it?

Did you wake me up this morning?

Or did I wake you?

Bald

January 2007:

They said some people on chemo don’t lose their hair. They also said that chemo patients on Adriamycin and Cytoxan always lose their hair – all their hair. I didn’t want my hair to fall out – who would I be without my hair. My hair had defined me my whole life.

The day after my first chemotherapy I had my long hair cut to shoulder length, then a week later, cut to chin length, then a day later cut into a pixy cut. I wanted some control over how I was going to lose my hair.

I quit thinking about “bad hair days” 10 days ago. The day I had chemo for the first time. The day they told me my hair would fall out on day 10. It was day 10 as I sat on the side of the bathtub; looking at myself and my hair in the mirror. I looked the same. Maybe tired and worried but outwardly, I looked the same. On the inside, that is where I had changed. I had aged. I had lost the belief that everything would always be ok. I knew what it was like to fear death. I knew what it felt like to hear that you had a disease that everyone associated with death. I knew how it felt to acknowledge your own mortality. I never wanted to have that knowledge. I wanted to retain that purity – that innocence. I sat on the side of the bathtub looking at myself in the mirror and contemplated my next move. If I took a shower and washed my hair I knew I would lose a lot more hair. If I only took a bath and tried not to touch my hair very much – maybe I would have hair for another day. Every time I touched my hair, hair fell out. When I woke this morning there was hair on my pillow. There was hair on my shoulders throughout the day. It had begun slowly falling out 3 days ago.

I sat on the side of the bathtub trying to decide if I wanted to just do it or delay it.

It was going to happen.

I was going to lose my hair.

I was going to be bald.

I could not stop my hair from falling out. I could not make the follicles stay anchored in place.   I could control when, where, and how I would lose my hair. I could control who would be with me when I lost my hair. Now was the only time I was strong enough to do it. I stood up; turned on the shower. I made the water hot, scorching hot. I needed to feel my body and know I was alive. I stood in the shower looking at the showerhead, knowing I was alive.

My chest lifted and lowered with my breath. Then I got my head wet. I could feel the water running down my back. I could feel my hair failing to the drain. I looked down at the floor of the shower. I stopped breathing. Within 30 seconds the floor was covered with hair.

My hair. What people had always admired about me. My hair. My shield from criticism because my hair was a part of me that usually didn’t bring criticism. My hair…on the floor…not on my head. I slowly reached up to see if it was all gone. I still had hair! Maybe only some of it fell out. Maybe I would still look the same, the same with only thinner hair. I grabbed the shampoo quickly. Washed the hair that remained. I couldn’t wait to get out of the shower to see if I looked the same. Maybe I would be the exception. Maybe I wouldn’t lose all of my hair. I grabbed a towel for my head. I slowly walked to the mirror. I took the towel off my head.

I screamed.

I quickly covered my head again. My daughter came running into my bathroom. She looked at me and hugged me tight. She held me like a crying baby. She rubbed my back and said, “It’s ok Mommy”. She was 16 years old. We switched roles at that point. She was the mother, I was the child. She held me until I quit shaking. She told me I was strong. She told me I was beautiful. She told me I was her hero. She told me she would always be there.

Slowly I stood up. Samantha was taller than I. She said, “Mommy, let me see”. We took the towel off my head. She looked at me, started crying too and said, “It’s just hair Mommy.   You are still my beautiful Mommy”.

I looked in the mirror at my eyes. Was I still there? There was only hair in a few places now on my head. Most of it was on the shower floor. I went to scoop it up. She said, “stop Mommy, I’ll do it later”.

I looked back at my eyes. I was still there. I thought I would see hopelessness. What I saw shocked me – I saw strength and the desire to remain strong. I had to be strong. I couldn’t fall apart or I would die. I sat down on a stool in the bathroom. Samantha shaved off the last scraggly strands.

We were both crying.

Van Halen

He left me.

He came with me.

He got me checked in for surgery at 6 a.m.

He took the kids to school.

He went to open our store.

He said he’d be back after the store was closed at 6pm.

I told him I was scared of possibly needing a mastectomy; he said don’t worry about that. If you need one, we’ll get you some hooker boobs.

Who says that to their wife when she has breast cancer?

I am scared.

Why am I here – alone?

I’d rather be alone than with him – today.

But I am scared.

Scared of the hospital.

Scared of the surgery.

Scared of the unknown.

I want to know that I will be ok.

I don’t want to know that I won’t be ok.

The surgeon plays Van Halen during the surgery.

What does that mean?

When I met my surgeon and my lumpectomy was scheduled, I asked him what music he listened to when he was operating. He was caught off guard. He was a nice but reserved man. I could tell he didn’t open up to others easily or at least not to his patients. When I asked about his music, he looked nervously around the room as his nurse laughed. I looked at him and said “don’t tell me you play head banger music or hard rock when you are doing surgery!” His nurse smiled and told me he listens to Van Halen, I looked at him, laughed and said; “well…you better bring me a shirt before we do this.”

He did. The morning of my surgery, he walked in and threw me a Van Halen shirt.

The day of the surgery was long. There were delays. I wanted to get it over with, but I knew they would get to me as soon as they could. I worried about me and I worried about the patient they were operating on that kept me delayed.

I remember the waiting.

I remember being alone.

I remember feeling like I didn’t matter.

I remember crying because he left me alone. I remember thinking how he could have closed the store for just that one day… for me. I remember knowing that he never would.

I remember being cold.
I remember the pain of the all the things that must be done before the lumpectomy.  I remember the IV insertion, I remember the placement of the locator needle in my breast and I remember the pain of the injection of the dye. No one warned me until I got in there of the searing pain of the procedure. They had to inject dye into me to find the sentinel node. I remember having to lie still as they did this procedure. I remember tears streaming down my face as I fought to hold still. I remember feeling scared and so very alone.

I remember needing to go pee all the time. I always have to go pee when it isn’t convenient to go pee. Lying in the hospital bed, in that gown, with an IV. All I can think about is I have to go pee. I just went. I have to go again. What if I pee when I am having surgery and I embarrass myself? Does that happen?

My surgery was supposed to be at 7:30 a.m. It is 11a.m. I am still alone. They were not expecting the delay so they did not have a place to put me. I am in a makeshift hospital room with a big needle sticking out of my breast. In this gown.

That is where Carol and Michele find me.

I had never been so glad to see anyone in my life.

My two dear friends – Carol the nurse and Michele the yogi.

Carol, the practical one that tells me to chill out, I’ll be fine.

I can see in her eyes that she is scared for me.

Michele is the mothering, crazy-fun one that cries with me.

She is scared for me too.

They are here.

I am not alone.

They make me laugh.

“Why do you have a wire sticking out of your boob?”

“Why do you keep going to pee? You just went.”

They hug me.

I’m not alone now.

They are coming for me.

They are rolling me towards surgery.

The nurse is smiling at me and telling me how lucky I am to have Dr. Frasier for my surgeon, he is the best.

The room is so cold.

Why is it so bright?

I don’t hear Van Halen. I guess he waits until I am out before he turns on the music.

There are so many people in here.

The anesthesiologist is telling me to count backwards from ten.

I wonder if I need to go to the bathroom one more time.

Swan

Lone swan on the lake

I can hear her call

But I can’t see her

She seems distraught

She keeps calling out into the thick, veil of the morning fog

 _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up this morning, started the coffee, turned on the computer and opened the curtains in the living room.

As I pulled back the curtains and looked out at the lake,

I was mesmerized by the thick fog covering the lake.

I quickly poured a cup of coffee and went outside to sit.

The air was crisp and fresh.

The air felt thick.

I seemed to be able to feel it entering my body as I inhaled.

It woke up all the parts of me that were still groggy.

My mind cleared, my eyes took in everything around me and I could breath.

I could feel my lungs reaching full capacity with each inhalation.

It felt great to be alive.

The sounds of the morning surrounded me; crickets, frogs, birds and a lone swan.

I sat on my front porch watching and listening to nothing in particular. The fog on the lake this morning was the thickest I have seen.

I couldn’t see the water at all.

As I sat staring at the fog, the swan came near the edge of the lake – right in front of where I was sitting.

The thick, white fog framed her as she moved,

moved back and forth in front of me.

She sounded desperate, calling out into the fog.

She continued to disrupt my peaceful morning sounds with her cries but at the same time, she seemed to connect with me.

I had to remain here with her.

How long did I sit there? I don’t know.

The day was beginning.

The fog was lifting.

She made one last pass in front of me, and then moved off into center of the lake.

As the fog dissipated, I began to see the water.

It was flawless.

Still.

There were reflections of the surrounding houses and trees in the lake.

As the swan cut across the lake

everything became clear.

She swam with ease and grace.

She calmed.

She was a peace.

I inhaled –

inhaled the desperation I had felt earlier

then forcefully exhaled.

I calmed and I was at peace too.

The Call

The phone was going to ring. I could feel it. I could feel the energy in the back room of our store. My heart was like those hearts you see in cartoons.   It felt like it was beating out of my chest. It felt like there was a long pause in between beats. Now my heartbeat was in my throat. I can’t breathe. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

The nurse said they would call on Thursday. It was Thursday. It was 5:00pm. Did they forget about me? I wanted them to call and relieve my stress. I didn’t want them to call and confirm my fears. I wanted them to call and tell me it was nothing, that I was fine. I didn’t want them to call and say the “C” word.

Call.

Don’t call.

Call.

Don’t call.

The phone rang. I don’t’ want to answer it. I can feel the answer already. I don’t need to answer I already know.

Ring…

“Hello, This is Dr. Frasier’s nurse”.

Why can’t I breathe? Why can’t I say hello back to this nice woman? Why did I just grunt out a strange sound, kind of like …lo? She is telling me she stayed late to get my test results. “I knew you would be worried and anxious to hear the results of your biopsy”. She took a breath, “ I am so sorry to have to tell you that the biopsy showed cancer”.

I am numb. I think this must be how it feels to be shot by a gun. Her words are the gun. She feels so bad. My voice is quivers. Why am I so fragile right now? I am scared? I feel like I am watching this scene from another place, a safe place. A place where cancer doesn’t exist.

I tell her I want to see the surgeon as soon as possible and I want to have the surgery as soon as possible. I have an appointment with the surgeon Tuesday.

She says there are no openings for the surgery, if that is what I decide to do, until after Thanksgiving. I can’t wait that long. I can’t have this in my body that long. She tells me there may be an opening next Friday if she moves a few things around.

I’ll take it.

You need to talk to Dr. Frasier first. Ok, I’ll talk to him on Tuesday and we can do the surgery Friday. She says ok. She says again that she is sorry. My voice is still trembling. I try to force out a pleasant thank you and hang up. I sob. Can you call it sobbing if you have tears coming down your face but you aren’t making any sound?

I don’t make sense as I try to tell my husband what the nurse said. I want him to hold me and comfort me and tell me I will be ok. I don’t remember any comforting words he may have said that evening. I don’t remember him holding me. I only remember how I felt. I always thought I was invincible. Cancer doesn’t happen to me. Cancer happens to other people. It is something I would read about but never encounter. Cancer is a death sentence. Cancer = Death.

I cry. I need a tissue for my nose. What am I going to tell my kids? They will be so scared. They found out two months ago that their grandmother has pancreatic cancer. She was not doing well. I know one thing: I don’t want to die.

Please hold me. Please tell me I am going to be ok. Please.

I am different now…

I’m different now.

After my diagnosis

After the mammogram

the biopsy

the lumpectomy

the surgery for the port

the chemotherapy

the radiation

the anti-estrogens

the weekly blood draws

After the dry mouth

the dry, grayish skin

the stomach issues

the nausea

the constipation

the fatigue

the memory loss

the hair loss – all over my body

the fog

After all the cancer took from me…

Cancer took my health, my looks and my belief that I would always be whole. Cancer took all that I thought I was and I was left stripped of the person I was before. I was left with a new beginning… a fresh canvas and I got to decide what I was going to pick back up.

I have often said cancer saved my life. Being torn into pieces by cancer gave me a new look at myself as I picked up the pieces of me. Often we hold on to things that no longer work for us. We store things to be saved for use at a later time…that time doesn’t always exist after cancer.

I was still a nice person after my cancer diagnosis. I was still a caring, giving person. I looked almost the same. When I looked closely at myself though, I saw a different person. I was no longer willing to accept many of the parts of my life. I was no longer going to just let life happen around me. I was going to live every part of my life. I often hear that same thought from other cancer survivors. They had life changes after cancer.

For me … I took hold of my life. I no longer let others decide how I would live my life.

I was in a bad marriage

… I left.

I was separated from my family

… I moved.

I wanted to go back to school

… I went.

I wanted to show my children a happy mom

… I did.

I wanted to write

… I wrote.

The hardest part of taking charge of my life was believing that I could.