Can I get cancer if I hug you?

“Your head feels cool Ma, I love you” said Mack as he rubbed my baldhead.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my kids were upset. More than their tears and their fear – they loved me hard. They loved me a lifetime worth in the months after my diagnosis.

If I had ever doubted that I was loved in this life – they removed all doubt.

“Can I get cancer when I hug you? Will you be ok? Are you going to be bald? I like your hair Mama, will it grow back if it falls out. Why will it fall out?” Mack asked.

My diagnosis was hard on Samantha but she determined her role from the start – caregiver. Mack was younger and couldn’t truly grasp what cancer meant.

He was primarily concerned with what was going to happen to my hair. I didn’t look sick. I didn’t act too sick. He saw how tired I was after I started chemo. He saw me lay in the bathroom floor on a blanket near the toilet. I was too tired to walk from my bed to the bathroom to throw up after my first chemo. He watched me and he hugged me. He carried around hand sanitizer all the time. If I touched anything he said, “hold out your hand Ma. You gotta get rid of those germs”. He didn’t let me open the doors or push the grocery cart; too many germs. “Remember Mama; the doctor said you have to be careful about germs now.”

When my hair fell out –

Samantha hugged me and held me;

Mack was afraid of me.

When I was bald

I looked sick.

My kids loved the stories I made up for them when they were growing up.  Their favorite was a story about Aubrey, a mischievous albino bat and Ghostly, …well a little boy ghost. Each night the three of us would usually lie on one of their beds and I would give them the latest exploits of Ghosty and Aubrey. A few days after I lost my hair, I was telling them how Aubrey had snuck into Mack’s backpack and gone to school with him. She spent the entire day getting him into trouble.

Samantha and Mack laughed.

“Tell us more,” they asked. As I continued on with the adventures of Aubrey, I noticed Mack was rubbing my head. He hadn’t really touched me or hugged me since my hair fell out. I think he noticed he was rubbing my baldhead about the same time I did.

He looked at me and grinned – “ your head feels cool Ma, I love you”.

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