I was going through treatments for breast cancer in 2006-2007. I worked so hard to be the same person I was B.C. – before cancer. I remember how challenging it was to be happy all the time. Strong, I could do but maintaining my perky attitude was hard. I remember feeling …
in a house full of people.
in a crowd.
in my mind and my thoughts.
They are carefree.
I want that.
I am suppose to be that…
that is how I have been raised…
raised to know how to behave in life.
I need to be around people.
I need to be talking constantly.
Is something wrong with me if I don’t want to smile and perform?
Can I just be alone with my cancer, for a minute?
Can I just be mad and scared?
“What’s wrong with you,” they ask.
“Who made you mad,” they prod.
I just need to be alone…for now.
I need to be alone to find the perfect disposition they seek
to find that person that I am suppose to be.
If I can be alone
I will force her out
I will slap the required smile onto my face.
I will laugh.
I will joke.
I will play.
I will be carefree.
But I will still be alone
they just won’t see.