Alone in a crowd

I was going through treatments for breast cancer in 2006-2007. I worked so hard to be the same person I was B.C. – before cancer. I remember how challenging it was to be happy all the time. Strong, I could do but maintaining my perky attitude was hard.   I remember feeling …

Alone

in a house full of people.

Alone

in a crowd.

Alone

in my mind and my thoughts.

They laugh.

They joke.

They play.

They are carefree.

I want that.

I am suppose to be that…

that is how I have been raised…

 raised to know how to behave in life.

I need to be around people.

I need to be talking constantly.

 Don’t I?

Shouldn’t I?

Is something wrong with me if I don’t want to smile and perform?

Can I just be alone with my cancer, for a minute?

Can I just be mad and scared?

“What’s wrong with you,” they ask.

“Who made you mad,” they prod.

Nothing.

No one.

I just need to be alone…for now.

I need to be alone to find the perfect disposition they seek

to find that person that I am suppose to be.

If I can be alone

I will force her out

I will slap the required smile onto my face.

I will laugh.

I will joke.

I will play.

I will be carefree.

But I will still be alone

they just won’t see.

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One thought on “Alone in a crowd

  1. Miranda Lambert sums that up well in
    “hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady
    ‘Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
    Even when you fall apart”

    As a your friend, know that you can act sad, scared and crazy with me! As long as I get to too 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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