I am different now…

I’m different now.

After my diagnosis

After the mammogram

the biopsy

the lumpectomy

the surgery for the port

the chemotherapy

the radiation

the anti-estrogens

the weekly blood draws

After the dry mouth

the dry, grayish skin

the stomach issues

the nausea

the constipation

the fatigue

the memory loss

the hair loss – all over my body

the fog

After all the cancer took from me…

Cancer took my health, my looks and my belief that I would always be whole. Cancer took all that I thought I was and I was left stripped of the person I was before. I was left with a new beginning… a fresh canvas and I got to decide what I was going to pick back up.

I have often said cancer saved my life. Being torn into pieces by cancer gave me a new look at myself as I picked up the pieces of me. Often we hold on to things that no longer work for us. We store things to be saved for use at a later time…that time doesn’t always exist after cancer.

I was still a nice person after my cancer diagnosis. I was still a caring, giving person. I looked almost the same. When I looked closely at myself though, I saw a different person. I was no longer willing to accept many of the parts of my life. I was no longer going to just let life happen around me. I was going to live every part of my life. I often hear that same thought from other cancer survivors. They had life changes after cancer.

For me … I took hold of my life. I no longer let others decide how I would live my life.

I was in a bad marriage

… I left.

I was separated from my family

… I moved.

I wanted to go back to school

… I went.

I wanted to show my children a happy mom

… I did.

I wanted to write

… I wrote.

The hardest part of taking charge of my life was believing that I could.

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4 thoughts on “I am different now…

  1. Cat the last part of this hit home For me…I sure hope my mom keeps the mentality you did when you realized things needed to change. I hope she takes hold of her life, and paints her canvas the way she wants to and not the way people thinks she needs to. Thanks for writing and following your dreams…

    Liked by 1 person

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