Red M&M’s?

I hate “why me.” I hate pity parties though I have been known to have them. Nothing good can come out of feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t make things better by curling up in a ball and crying why me all the time.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer …

I cried.

I was scared.

I asked why me?

We all know we are going to die. No one wants to know what will be the instrument of their death or when they will die. I suppose if we knew that we might live completely different lives. If we lived different lives would that change how we died and what killed us. I can ramble on about that for days. My diagnosis brought me face to face with the reality that I would not live forever.

I am mortal.

Why did I get breast cancer? What caused it? Why did it happen to me? I work out, I eat healthy … what did I do wrong?

Was it because I used spray deodorant when I was young?

Was it the hormones in the meat?

Hair color?

Red M&M’s?

Was it the stress of a struggling marriage?

I remember smelling the gas fumes when I was young as my Dad filled the car with fuel … could that have been it?

Did I not eat enough fiber?

Too much fiber?

Too much coffee?

Should I have banned all sugar from my diet?

Was it the year I tried to smoke cigarettes in college?

Do I wear too much black?

Was my faith not strong enough?

Should I have prayed more?

Or was it just something random that happened?

No one ever wants to thinks cancer will happen to them. Cancer will bypass them. Cancer will bypass their use of cigarettes, alcohol, tanning beds, the fast food they eat and the stress they carry. I have heard smokers say…”well, I gotta die of something”. We know some things are bad for us but we never believe we will get cancer.

I will never know why I got cancer. I have decided it was the amount of stress I was dealing with at the time. The oncologist said he didn’t know why I got cancer but he did ask if I was dealing with a large amount of stress.

I got cancer.

I don’t know why.

It sucked that I had cancer, but it happened.

I refuse to let cancer define me and how I will live my life. I spent many years existing in a life that was happening around me. I am alive and I will live each day. I know many people who have cancer see it as a wake-up call. It was a cold, harsh wake-up call but I am thankful for the realization that I wasn’t living before cancer … I was just existing.

I am living now and will live and appreciate each second I have, each breath I take, and the people that surround me.

Why me?

Why not me.


3 thoughts on “Red M&M’s?

  1. I found these lines significant for me, “I suppose if we knew that we might live completely different lives. If we lived different lives would that change how we died and what killed us” I think this is most important because I think if we knew when we would die, we all would lead much different lives. It seems we live our lives always preparing for tomorrow but not living for today.

    Liked by 1 person

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